House of Formation

Wow, it's been HOW LONG since I last posted? Sorry!

2009-07-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry for being such a loser and not posting here. I must admit, I've been unfaithful. Twitter, you see has lured me away for a time, but I'm back now and with a renewed sense of commitment. Let's hope it lasts. At least it's summer, I have more time to procrastinate. Anyway, sorry Blog for being gone so long. I'll try and make it up.

Saturday I enter the Novitiate...

2009-07-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

At the moment I'm on a mini retreat to prep for Saturday. Why, then am I on the computer you ask? Well, as I've been sitting here processing the last two years of my postulancy, I came round to the fact that I needed to write it out. See it concretely before me; making it a reality. For while I've lived it, it has often felt just like life, the day in day out of the sort I lived before entering. Before I gave everything away and walked across another's threshold into the unknown. A quivering trust was all that was leading me forward. With a radical and bold move like that you'd expect profound, extreme experiences, no? You know, the kind of "Sister Wanda Sees a Holy Vision" type experiences. Well Patience, I was to learn, would be the lesson I was to take to heart. Some things take time, and spiritual formation is definitely one of them. I've learned allot over the past two years about where I stand with patience, and especially where and when I lack it. Patience is the key to trust, and that strange place of tension which is trust is right where God needs you to be to work His best through you. The most growth I've experienced over this time has taken place in these uncomfortable moments. I hope someday I'll even love these moments, for when I do I know I'll find myself in the mystery of God's love. For now, I'm off to begin my next phase of growth in God, and looking forward to the revelations to come.... More later, I'm back to my retreat.

Morning Mass brings the surprise of newfound uses for blue tinsel...

2009-05-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

Liturgical Abuse Level: Elevated

Happy Earth Day!

2009-04-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day! I've always loved Divine Mercy Sunday!

2009-04-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

City of Night...

2009-04-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

One of the challenges of modern life is balancing the fundamental need of a spiritual life with the daily demands of our physical existence. It often takes everything we have in us just to pay the rent, pay our bills and put food on the table. Finding time for a prayer life is often a struggle that seems too much trouble to fight for. Why fight for something whose benefits are not immediately tangible? Especially when there are other concerns/problems that are squeaking louder than that empty place inside? Besides, we can fill that empty hole, at least temporarily with other things, most of them not so good.

Well, one would think that living in a convent would muffle all that hustle and bustle, that commotion of which is modern life these days and serenity would rule the days and nights of our fabled existence. Well, serenity I've found out is still elusive. It shyly appears now and again on sunny days spent hiking, or in a quiet afternoon of gardening. Then there is the problem with prayer. Prayer is just as obstinate as a fourteen year old, hard to pin down and cagey with it's messages. Oh, there's the momentary flashes of tear producing beauty, but I'm finding out that it's more of a quality vs. quantity thing. Still struggling with time management. Still struggling with distraction, a busy schedule and an endless To-Do list. What matters is I now have as my only goal "to do the will of the One who sent me", and my sisters assist and travel with me in the discernment and achievement of this shared purpose; this new way of being. And I'm finding that it is the shared experience of living in a loving and God centered community that makes all the difference in facing my challenges.

I'm in the company of my sisters now; and that fact alone makes it a little easier to face the often difficult journey through this modern world.

This City of Night.

This howling desert of a different sort.

The sort of desert where one can live among millions and still be utterly alone.

In other words, L.A.

And we're off: Holy Week has begun! Happy Palm Sunday!

2009-04-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

The High Holy days have begun!

Holy Week is finally here. I don't know about any of you, but this week's gonna be a killer, no pun intended. What with all the liturgies and other services we're involved with, plus school... Ahh! Lots to do! It's hard to focus on the meaning of these days when I'm constantly checking my calendar to make sure nothing's missed. Who am I fooling; I never look at my calendar! I'm just praying I somehow get to where I need to be, when I need to be there. Sigh, this too will pass. Unfortunately so will this beautiful Holy Week.

Note to self: remember, there is a REASON why you have so much to do at the moment.

Leans close to ear and whispers softly "remember? It's to celebrate Him and the most beautiful and defining moments of His precious life on Earth".

Collateral Damage

2009-02-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

One of the casualties of my decision to enter into religious life has been the loss of a few very dear friends. I know, you say "if they were so dear, they'd still be your friends", and you may be right, but it still saddens me. You see, I feel that the end began way back with my decision to return to the Catholic faith. It was then that things between us began to become awkward. They couldn't understand my new interests: going to mass every Sunday, joining in church activities, and becoming more vocal about my faith. Why not just sleep in on Sundays? They hoped it was just a phase, something I'd get over with sooner or later. Only I didn't.

Going to church isn't cool in many peoples eyes, and being Catholic requires one (and here's a common misconception) to adopt unpleasant and politically incorrect views on hot button issues such as abortion, homosexuality and promiscuity. I fell from grace when I could no longer be counted on to be silent about these things. Not that I was spouting hate speech or fire and brimstone at all, but the very thought that I could I think secretly terrified them. It seems that stereotypes are like potholes, hard to climb out of. Most people are quite comfortable to wallow in them. It has only gotten worse in this regard since I've entered, and began dealing with the fallacies of what being a religious really is.

When I turned my direction towards Christ, I was making the decision that I would place Him before all things. It is not a decision that I expected everyone to understand. It's just that I thought a few might try.

This choice I've made is not easy to explain, for how do you explain to people so invested in the world and its delusions that you're willing to leave everything behind; all the things, the career, all of it; for the opportunity to belong completely to God? It's as if I'm speaking in another language. Which of course I am. I am speaking in the language of faith. Unfortunately, some of my friends no longer speak it.

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-25T17:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but I always look forward to this time of year. Perhaps it's because I still remember that pride I felt, when I was a little girl, bearing the mark of Christ on my forehead for all to see. It could also be that it is because it's such a powerful symbol; one both visual and tactile. But most likely it is due to the fact that it is the herald to our most richly symbolic and beautiful seasons: the 40 days of Lent.

Lent has always appealed to me, probably because I'm such an introvert and any season that focuses on introspection and inner development I will find naturally attractive. This year I've felt the spirit moving me to a much deeper internal expression of my commitment to prayer and spiritual growth. I've added a day of fasting combined with adoration to aid me in this. And who knows, maybe, God willing, I'll be able to permanently keep this up! All I know is the deep, strong current of the season of Lent is once again inspiring me to take another step further into the desert of my limitations, and to rediscover the thirst; the thirst that can only be quenched by the purifying, Living Water of our Lord.

Congress Comin'!

2009-02-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

Yippee Ai Yeah! Feel the love@congress!

Oh! The horror!

2009-02-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Sigh...

2009-01-23T19:29:00.000-08:00

It does the heart good to know that men as good looking as this are still able to answer the call....

A Funeral...

2009-01-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended the funeral mass of one of the senior sisters in our community. It was the first funeral service I had attended for one of our own. The entire province was there, along with former students and friends. So many thoughts and emotions come to mind, it's hard to choose a place to begin. I guess I'll start by saying that I'll miss her, and I have been blessed by the short time I've known her. Sister's prayer intension for vocations and perseverance at morning or evening prayer will always sound in my mind, finding its way down from the choir loft to our hearts and God's ear. I know she'll be a powerful advocate for us in heaven, and that she's in the company of angels now. Although she didn't make it to her diamond jubilee celebration, she held the joy of her 75 years of profession in her heart. It was evident to all who met her.

The Mass marking her transition from our world of time and form into the eternal present was beauty at it's most real. For in the true reality of beauty our lives are stripped and laid bare; nothing remains but the brutal honesty of who we really are. It is here, in His presence, that we are beheld by our Lover, trembling in the full realization of who we really are; created beings graced with His favor. It is with a great and terrible faith that we march towards this meeting with our Absolute. There is no greater expression of that raw and aching faith than when we chant the Suscipe, at our both our profession and our funerals.

"Sustain me Lord according to your promise, that I may live, and do not fail me, for I have trusted in your faithfulness".

For the proving ground of our trust in Him is in this chapel, now, as the white pall is unfolded over her coffin, and she is sent forth in loving community by her sisters, blessed with the holy water of her baptism in Christ. At times like these it is easier to see that perhaps all of our lives are truly one long Advent. We live our years alloted to us in agitation and anticipation.

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in the Lord", as St. Augustine says.

For we are but waiting on the call of our Beloved. Waiting. Waiting in that sometimes raw, aching hunger that is true faithfulness. It is by God's grace that I am blessed to be a lady in waiting within this community of faithful sisters, may I never forget that.

RIP Sr. M.C., you served our Lord 94 years in in trust and faithfulness.

Trust...

2009-01-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Interestingly enough, the new year started out exactly like advent, shrouded in a thick ground fog. The prior evening, New Years Eve, one of our sisters had related the homily she had heard that morning where the priest had said that today was a good day for everyone to renew the commitments they had made for advent. So it was really something to wake up on New Years Day greeted in the same manner as that first Advent morn! I love it when God's signals are so easily perceived. What needed to be readdressed from those first days of advent, before all the hustle and bustle of the holidays kicked in to high gear? What was the message that the fog itself had tried to symbolize? Trust. The trust you must have to give oneself totally over to God, and that radical trust needed to allow Him to lead you. Full surrender has never been easy for me, but I know it is required if I'm to truly live the life I've committed myself to. So, the revisit of the beautiful hushed morning fog on New Years Day brought back those advent desires and commitments, and gave me a chance to renew my fidelity to follow in full trust where He leads.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-25T13:13:00.001-08:00

Have a wonderful Christmas! I'll resume posting after Christmas day. Boy, has this last week of Advent been a doosey!

Finals Week!

2008-12-16T11:11:00.001-08:00

Posting may be spotty. Pray for me!

Our lady of Guadalupe...

2008-12-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Ora Pro Nobis

Sorry it's been a while...

2008-12-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

Advent descended on us in a hush, like a soft blanket muffling the harshness of winter. The 3 days of fog in my area was a thick pea soup, sometimes not burning off until 9:am., and it made driving to mass quite an adventure, but... ahh... There's nothing like the soft, quiet mystery of fog; and somehow it seemed a perfect way to enter into the beauty of Advent. A perfect metaphor for the return inward, a return to the silence. Softening the sharp edges of our view, it causes us to search the terrain of our interior. For some reason, I've been drawn to pondering the concept of the anticipatory aspect of Advent, how our whole lives are advent, and to the idea of holding, bearing that attitude of anticipation is our life's purpose. Advent is a way of life.

For my reading this Advent, I've been blessed with coming across a book of sermons and prison writings by the priest and martyr Alfred Delp. Called "Advent of the Heart", it has many deeply moving and profound reflections on life and this aspect of waiting. Here are some selections:

"... the golden threads running between Heaven and earth during this season reach us; the threads that give the world a hint of the abundance to which it is called, the abundance of which it is capable."

"Advent is a time of promise, not yet the fulfillment."

"Advent means a heart that is awake and ready"

Fr. Delp speaks of the longing, yearning we must bear in response to the advent aspect of our lives, how we cannot allow ourselves to be tricked into the false satisfactions of our world, and that we must trust what God has promised. It's pretty poignant stuff, and much of his writing was while awaiting death in a Gestapo prison.

More later...

Another Beautiful Day!

2008-11-25T05:08:00.000-08:00

Go out and greet God!

It's Sunday!

2008-11-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

... And Christ the King!

Ahh, Fall...

2008-11-22T12:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, yes, and then there were the fires...

2008-11-22T11:52:00.000-08:00

It's truly a sight to behold when the southland's on fire. The sunlight filtered through the smoke casts an orange glow upon the landscape, and ash falls like snow in certain areas. Afterwards, the hillsides look like lunar landscapes; gray with the stark and twisted black shapes of the manzanita and scrub oak the only indication of a former verdancy. But, afterwards the signals of resiliency and rebirth surface, creating Hope and Fortitude. Hope in the new life that will come with the first green flush of spring, and then the realization that Hope will require courage, of which Fortitude is the graced response.

I'm Sorry, Blog...

2008-11-20T14:06:00.001-08:00

... For the long absence, I could come up with such a long list of distractions that I've succumbed to, but I'll just fess up and tell ya straight... I became a political junkie. That's right, I'll admit it. I couldn't tear myself away from CNN, MSNBC, Blogs, newspapers... You name it, I was probably on it. I was hooked on the minute by minute catastrophes, bank implosions, and all things electoral. Speaking of which, what a horse race! Whew! Now that's over, I can get back to musing on the better things life has to offer: like a full year in the postulancy, ministry, the emergence of a real direction... prayer.

St. Peter Claver

2008-09-09T04:48:00.001-07:00

Ora Pro Nobis. Heaven knows how much we need your help today.

Yearly Reflections #2

2008-09-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

Over the year I've realized that I have a theme Psalm. It's Psalm 51. Ouch.

OK, I Know..

2008-09-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

But every now and then you gotta post a cute animal photo. Shows you have a bit of levity. Have a great day!

A Growing Realization...

2008-09-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

That I am one of the more conservative and traditional minded members; in church matters; of our community, and the uncomfortable awareness of being in the minority that this brings about. I've found it better to censure my commentary, than to feel the stiffness in conversation after some discussion or another regarding the faults or merits of the older customs and practices for the church or community life. But here's the rub: I've been considering asking for the Habit when I become a novice (our community did away with the habit a while back, although some of the sisters wear the veil on occasion; which I have mixed feelings about). There are some others in our community who are also in formation who feel the same way as I do; but have decided to opt for a simplicity of street dress instead so as not to make waves. I already do this, and I feel it isn't enough. It's just not as recognizable by the lay community. Perhaps I'm not humble enough and should just be content with my interior relationship with God; but I still think it's important to be a witness to our way of life.

{Sigh}

It's just that I'm experiencing a growing realization, or an actual grasping if you will, of the real importance of the traditions our Catholic faith and our consecrated way of life. Yeah, I know, I'm a little late to the gate on this, but hey, I'm a late bloomer. And I'm sure that the strident adherence to the traditions of our faith are not what is of most importance to God. Here is where I'm in agreement with the liberals of my community and my faith. After all, the Gospel itself says the sabbath was made for man, and not he other way around. But then if the sabbath was made for man, why? Precisely because man needs rituals to worship God properly. Reminders; so to speak; of the way man is called to behave when in the presence of the Lord. What I've come to see is that the traditions are essential primarily for us, and without them we've quickly disintegrated into a pack of non-believing believers. People who've lost site of the Sacred, in favor of the mundane. I don't know about y'all, but I need all the help I can get and having all the bells and whistles, incense and customs really deepens my faith and the experience of God's presence in my life.

I feel it is the same with the Habit. When I see a sister in a habit I'm instantly reminded that there is another way of living, one centered in Jesus. That visual image alone does it for me. It's that witness thing again. That much needed sign to challenge those of us who so easily forget and become too focused on the things of this world. So I struggle with the tension of my ever deepening need for true witness and a fear of estrangement from my community who may not feel the need for such trivialities as the habit. For them, it's been there, done that.

Proof Positive...

2008-09-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

That you can experience the Catholic Church; in all Her otherworldly beauty; even in a tent! See, not a poncho, conch shell or ceramic chalice in sight! H/T to The Hermeneutic of Continuity for the inspiration!

A Continuation...

2008-08-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Of my thoughts the other day about the need of our daily, freely given consent and full acceptance to the gift of faith that God offers us. Today at Mass Father's homily brought up some of these very same thoughts, and that the falling away or lapsing that many Catholics experience is in fact the choosing of other things to place at center stage in their lives. The crowding out of God. These things eventually replace God and the Faith He freely gives to His children, resulting in a suspended and atrophied Faith. The problem isn't that we've outgrown our Faith; as if Faith were just a collection of fairy tales suitable only for children. It is that we've become lazy. And addicted to pleasure seeking. For when we find out our constant care and attention are required to keep our Faith alive in our daily lives, we procrastinate, we postpone; we distract ourselves with something less demanding. Perhaps what we need more than show stopping Broadway style liturgical programming, more than pop rock praise music, more than lay inclusive liturgies (E.M. & lector concelebrations anyone?); perhaps what we really need is a support group in every parish to strengthen us for the long haul. For the dry times. For the times when we rail against God for the misfortunes in our lives. We need people who will get us through the tough spots or notice when we don't come to mass. In short; reassurance that we all experience the times of disillusionment; of feeling far away from God; but never so far away to be forgotten. By God or by our fellow travelers in Faith. We need reminders that God gives freely and without restrictions and that He never revokes the choice he has made in us. As His people. His people of the Faith.

Finally, they've won...

2008-08-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

and Michael has his 8th, and I can go back to going to bed early again!

I'm Sorry...

2008-08-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

... but I just can't help it. I like seeing this guy win!

Our Faith as Gift Given, and our responsibility to accept and acknowledge it as such...

2008-08-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

I know that this image is a bit flippant, but it struck me of the need of our "Yes" to God in even in the seemingly obvious act ; but by no means least significant act; of the acceptance of our Faith. What started me on this thread was a pondering on the those of us who have been given the Faith and have either fallen away through a waning of interest or have become disillusioned and disgruntled. I know I have been guilty of both during my own journey of faith and it wasn't until I realized that I had to give and keep giving a daily "Yes" to God that I actually fully accepted the true gift that faith is for my life. Faith itself is an act of will, and must be chosen by us freely if it is to be something that can be fully experienced. And like all choices in life, it comes up for review whenever we're about to change course. Sometimes this can be often: daily, even hourly for those of us who struggle with the strong current of the world. But all I know is that the constant re-affirmation of that "Yes" to Faith in my own life has truly had an effect on how I see the world now. For now my Faith is a pearl of great price, worthy of selling everything for the attainment of it, and truly worthy of the full cherishing of that Gift given to me out of pure Love. Until we can each come to this realization, Faith lies dormant, waiting for the moment, when out of the free will God has given us we respond in kind. In Love.

Yearly Reflections #1

2008-07-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

Well, It's coming up on one year in the convent, summer is upon us and it's been quiet around here as of late. So I've been doing some reflecting, as you can probably imagine. This will be the first in a series of posts on my reflections of the past year. One thing that has been surprising is how many misconceptions I had concerning spiritual growth. I had thought that this process would be more measurable, more tangible. Instead, I'm often left wondering if I'm progressing at all. Take for instance peace of mind, how how easy it is to lose it. You see, one day you're going along just fine, feeling pretty holy and then BAM! You catch yourself being caught up in some relentless interior chatter concerning things like "Why can't we just have some silence, this IS supposed to be a house of prayer!" or "I don't think I can take another day of Sister's enthusiasm!", and so on, Blah, Blah, Blah! You think your moving past all the pettiness and then it comes rushing back, flooding your mind and washing away any sense of peace you've fooled yourself into thinking was your new state of being. It's been a very humbling experience, let me tell you. In fact, one learns that humility is a major lesson to learn if you are to grow at all, and in fact if you're not grappling with it you're probably going nowhere. I really thought I was a pretty humble person, but I think I had it confused with considerate. I wasn't taking into account how fast I can size people up, or how little patience I really do have. But the good news is, it does get better with prayer, practice and the realization that I probably drive people nuts as well! The miracle is that we do make it in community, and with the Lord's grace we come to love each other, warts and all. That is the difference between a community who's focus is on their relationship with God, and a group of people just trying to live together.

Getting acquainted

2008-05-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

I've been a fan of blogs for a while now, and have been mulling over whether or not to throw my own hat into the ring. Part of the reluctance has been the fact that I have schoolwork to do as well and was unsure what my commitment level would be (I know how much I rely on daily, even hourly posting from some of my favorite bloggers, so... perhaps I am setting too high a goal). But, despite my misgivings, I've been thinking it might be nice to have a space to ruminate about the formation process and encourage feedback from others who are traveling this path as well. It has been a real trip so far, just the act of separation from my previous life to start with. Each day brings new challenges, try living in community for a start! Wow! So, as I reflect upon these pages of this strange and beautiful journey towards God, I pray that Mary guides my heart to share honestly and with (tasteful) candor so others might feel encouraged to share as well. Until tomorrow!

Giving this blog stuff a try...

2008-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

This new blog will record the joys, frustrations and discoveries of someone in formation to the religious life.